This blog post was originally posted on my Substack on December 26, 2025. The original post can be viewed here.
Everything hurts. At least, that’s what it feels like.
I can’t look at screens without exacerbating my headache. Driving also makes me feel sick. Any motion, really. And staying upright for too long also hurts. And talking. Almost everything, really. Even writing like this with real life paper and pen hurts. The eye strain makes my headache worse and writing hurts my hands. (Yay, carpal tunnel.)
There’s something really staggering about how disabling this all is. To quote the great T Swift (in a post-surgical medication-induced stupor): “My mind is alive!”
My mind is very much alive. I have ideas for things to do and write about. I have curiosities I want to research. I’m bored from doing so little and at the same time, my body is so exhausted and overwhelmed by even the very little that I am doing.
I can hear my therapist in my head, reminding me that what I’m doing isn’t “little.” Being in pain is exhausting. Living with chronic illness is thankless work.
Binx keeping me company while I draw and journal the old-fashioned way. On paper…
But in any case, I wish I could be doing something else. Something that would feel like “more.”
I was listening to a podcast the other day where the hosts were discussing rest. (Me from the future interrupting myself: this was an episode of Infinite Quest, called “Identity Load and Meeting Elmo.” You can find it here.) Specifically the idea of different kinds of loads we bear: cognitive load; emotional load; and a new one for me, identity load. They were focusing on talking about restful activities. We might be doing because they are tied to our identity. Like “I want to be the kind of person who does Yoga,” or, the pressure to do “the right kind of rest.” (Spoiler: Often these activities aren’t actually that restful because they’re placing a burden on our “identity load” even if they’re good for us in other capacities.)
I was thinking about that because right now I feel like I’m actually UNDER-loaded it in the identity category. I feel so bored of doing so little. I want to be able to do more of the things that give me a sense of purpose. (So, I wondered does this idea apply to me right now?)
But also so much of my brain these days is occupied by wondering if I’m doing a “good enough” job of resting, and taking care of myself. Every doctors appointment seems to involve pointing out something I could be doing differently to improve my health (And no opportunity for me to explain why I can’t do that thing, or why it didn’t work when I tried.)
I think when it comes to identity load, I might be straddling the boundary between too much and not enough. I need more rest, but my mind needs stimulation. I need to be doing certain things to improve my health, but I also need to stress less about if I’m not doing a “good enough” job of self-care. It’s a balancing act.
And not an easy one.
Pages two and three, again featuring Binx.
Binx kept drifting off and leaning his head on the pages while I was covering this to text.
I’m not sure how I want to end this. Mostly, I just wanted to write something. I wanted to, maybe, post something resembling a blog, because sharing my writing is one of those things that helps me feel a sense of purpose.
Hopefully, I can figure out a way to make writing and sharing my writing more accessible again. I might share photos of these notebook pages, or something else. (Future me Is currently entering this text into Substack via my text to speech function on my phone).
And of course, hopefully this migraine will ease up soon, but it’s been going on for months now, and I need to figure out how to DO something, rather than just wait to feel better.
I’m sending good vibes your way potential future reader and I hope you can find the rest and recovery you need in your life.
💜River
